Those were the words used by my brother to describe "Jennifer's Body". We saw the film this afternoon and all I can say is that maybe if I had been under the influence of alcohol then maybe I would have enjoyed it more.
This movie is about best friends in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. Jennifer is the super hot cheerleader, played by Megan Fox and "Needy" is her best friend since the sand box, played by Amanda Seyfried. Basically through a bit of cross communication, Jennifer is sacrificed to the devil which would be fine if she was a virgin. And here is where I found my first issue with the film: How would anyone look at Megan Fox and think she was a virgin? I don't think she was EVER a virgin. I think she popped out of the womb rockin' 3 STDs and that Marylin Monroe tattoo that bothers me to no end.
So Jennifer is a demon in a hot body and she discovers that to maintain this hot body she must ingest the flesh of High School boys. Needy knows something is very wrong but shrugs it off and manages to find time amidst all the carnage to lose her own virginity to her boy friend in a scene that flips between awkward first time sex and Fox chewing out a guys stomach while Akon's " I wanna love you" plays in the back round ( This would be funny if you were drunk, but your not).
At this point in the movie my brother starts to shift and sigh and later admits to me that he contemplated walking out of the film. I did too but I wanted to give Deablo Cody the benefit of the doubt so I stayed...stupid idea. Next up was the completely unnecessary and unrelated and un explained girl on girl make out scene. Were they lesbians? Did Needy have a secret crush on Jennifer? I have no idea because it happened and it was over and that was it. Maybe they did explain it but I was trying not to gag at the sight of Megan Fox's thumbs, she has no knuckles! She has midget thumbs!!! Moving on...
The end of the film, and I won't ruin it because maybe some of you still want to pay $12.50 and hey, who am I to judge, takes place in an abandoned indoor pool in the middle of a field. Why is there an abandoned indoor pool in the middle of a field? I have no idea but unless there trees and shrubs grow really fast, its been there for quite a while. Jennifer has dragged Needy's boyfriend there and started to eat his neck (because it's the night of the school dance and she wants to look her best of course) and Needy pepper sprays her which has an adverse effect because it makes Jennifer levitate. Of course there is an epic battle between best friends and the boyfriend died because he has no neck anymore. And there is this band that plays this song throughout the entire film. You would like the song if they didn't play it throughout the entire film. They die also which made me happy because I thought to myself, " Thank god, they can't play that stupid song anymore!!!" Other thoughts I had throughout the film were, "Why is the first person to die in these type of films never white?" " Deers do not eat meat and I'm pretty sure if they did, it would not be human flesh." "Why is there a beaver present?" "Why are Fox's teeth so long?" "That guys cell phone is improving this film." " I should have bought twizzlers" " God, I need alcohol for this." "Neither of those would help me in this situation." " This is just awful" " When does Big Love premiere?" "When does Ugly Betty premiere?" "She is leaving behind, hair, saliva and finger prints and they still cannot find her." " I have to pee."
You could see this or you could remember what it was like to dissect a frog in High school bio. It's up to you.
